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They
married in the 20s, and for years this Maharashtrian couple had a fulfilling sex life.
But, beginning in his late 30s, the husband no longer eyed his wife with desire. When she
hesitantly tried to talk about their dwindling sex life, he immediately changed the
subject. Sex became almost non existent, and their once -solid relationship started
crumbling.
As a
Delhi couple headed towards their 40s their sex life changed too-but for the better. True,
they no longer frolicked in their bedroom like newlyweds. But both agreed that their bond
-binding sessions were never so much in synchrony and the sensual side of their marriage
had never burned so brightly.
What explains the difference between the two couples? "Knowledge and
understanding"
 Says Dr.Sridevi Telang, sexual therapist at the Ruby Hall
and the Jehangir Hospital. And these were just two cases to
illustrate the importance of the sexual health in our daily
lives. Sexual health is the perfect synchronised working pattern
of the nervous system, the hormonal system, the vascular system
and the emotional self"
she defines.
“How
can husband and I love each other so much, yet have such an unexciting sex life?"
asks college lecturer, teaching English. Had she discussed the problem with her husband, a
physician, to whom she's been married for 12 years? I seem to be able to talk to him about
everything but our sex life," she confesses weakly. I don't know how to tell him what
I need without seeming to criticize." Dr. Sridevi Telang provides the worried
lady with the answer as she does to the steady stream of patients trickling into her tiny
vestibule at the Ruby Hall Clinic. I am not a sexologist; she clarifies right at the
beginning itself. I am a medical practitioner practicing sexual medicine and sexual
therapy. My job is differentiate between the psychogenic problems as against organic
reasons while treating sexual disfuntions, she explains as she shares her experiences as a
therapist who has counseled thousands of couples over the year and has thereby gained
invaluable knowledge into the uninhibited world of erotica.
What is Sex?
Just this
one word can trigger off a thousand responses. And if a person can answer this single most
important question as honestly and as positively as he can only then can that person get
close to term sexually healthy. At a physical level sex is an act of copulation .At an
instinctual level it is a discharge of sexual drivers, which are regulated by male and
female hormones. At an emotional level depending on the context of the relationship, sex
can represent a spectrum of emotions such as love, affection, tenderness-even anger and
guilt. In the context of behavioral patterns sex can symbolize something as beautiful as a
mystical union of body and soul or something as negative as degradation hostility defiance
and even sadomasochism. For instance a rapist can either be a sadist or masochist but
basically he is frustrated person resentful of his own inadequacies, he does not
necessarily have to be highly sexual person nor must he be a particularly vengeful one
.His sexual frustration that have not been channeled positively.
Sexual health isn't just taking precautions against AIDS. It goes much
beyond that.
Illogically
sexual health has become synonymous with AIDS. Or rather AIDS has become a criterion for
sexual health. This is both untrue as well as misleading.
For that
matter, neither is STD, VD or any other sexual disease the yardstick for sexual health.
Sexual health is one's own sexuality. And human sexuality not just joined involves what we
do but it also focuses on what we are .It is an identification and activity a drive a
biological and emotional process an expression of the self. Sexuality is strongly
influenced by social and personal beliefs and in turn, strongly influence beliefs and
behaviour .it is a part of your personality. That is why the study of sexuality or sexual
health includes physical development and maturity of that particular person self esteem
learning skills and also the desire for intimacy, physical contact and the subsequent mode
of expression. More over there may be experiences with sex abuse, pre and post marital sex
homosexual relationships that have to be considered also. Even experiences like marriage,
contraception's, guilt performance can affect one's sexual health, as do inter-personal
relationships.
Want a richer, more satisfying love life?
Majority
of the people coming to me for counseling want any answer to such question That why you
find people desperately thumping pages of books which contain catch -phrases because they
are eager to know all the sex secrets. Solutions cannot be so instinct or easy .The fact
remains that Nature has made man and woman differently and every couple or sexual mates
have to realize this. Men tend to compartmentalize, as most of them believe that a
stressful time can be parked mentally and separated from sexual actions. But sexuality and
affection can't be compartmentalized. Good sex is a continuum closeness and affection .It
is important to act loving even when you are not about to have sex .If a husband surprises
his wife flowers or s gift for no particular reason, if he takes the children out for a
day, this thoughtfulness may improve the couples sexual pleasure and the marriage.
Similarly
most woman need to feel good during the day and in marriage to have satisfying sex. "Rahul just didn't understand this", complains Mita
, 29,who has married for seven
years .He was under a lot of stress at work and was impatient and withdrawn, not wanted to
talk or show any affection. He'd watch TV until midnight then come in bedroom and grab me
.If wasn't instantly responsive he'd get upset.
Such
problems are common and may appear small and mundane but it's these small disgruntling
instances that slowly lead to the final deluge.
Sex is important in a marriage.
This importance of sex in marriage cannot be ignored nor can it be
underestimated. But neither can it be overestimated. Sex has to be given its due
importance but usually in Indian Marriages sex is looked a very differently by the two
mates. The Indian male over uses it as a marital weapon. Where as the woman considers sex
is a mere wifely duty to be performed and not to be enjoyed. the essence of a sexually
healthy person is how well and how positively he/she is dealing with sex and sexual mate.
Sex is not a both positive as well as negative, and when sex becomes an expression of
emotions more positive than negative then that couple is said to have good sex.the goal of
sex is to be loving with each other. That's all.
Sex is
still a dirty three-letter word
Sex in
India, still has a stigma attached to it. And it's been there down the ages and for it to
be broken it will need firm grass root level measures. It's just not sex but even
professions connected with sex are looked upon with condescending suspension. It's either
this reaction or ignorance on their part where my work is concerned.
Sex Education should be a must -- both at the school level as well at the
family level.
Sex
education has to be imparted very early in life so as to make the person realize and aware
of his/her anatomical, physiological as well as sexual functions. Each individual has to
learn to appreciate his role and his responsibility as son husband father brother etc.
That way one's sexuality does not become the sole identity of one's ego. Take the example
of the 70-year-old gentleman who happened to be a famous politician .he was worried that
he could no longer have sex with young girls as he could earlier. And he was more
disturbed with the idea that though he was unable to perform well in bed .His ego just
could not accept this fact.
Of the
patients I treat 98% are males. This statement in itself should speak volumes. And me
being a woman do not deter them from coming. In fact they want a woman to understand their
problems and on my part I guess as a woman, I can handle their ego's better! Women feel
reluctant to voice their problems in the first place. Women who do come up are those who
experience pain and distress out of coitus. Then there are those who have infertility
problems, like stress which arises out of such situations. Women today are conscious, but
still not confident of their sexual rights. Most of them are aware of what orgasm is, but
rarely have they realized that a woman too can have performance anxiety. Studies show that
only about 60% of women have an orgasm more than half of the times they have intercourse.
But many women feel pleasure from partner and themselves to have orgasms. Many men believe
that a good lover is one who brings his wife to a dramatic sexual satisfaction. Of course
there are those who are not really bothered weather his partner has experienced orgasm or
not, as long as they remain sexually satiated. There are selfish lovers also who consider
the wife solely as sex object. How many men are aware that how a man treats his wife out
of the bed can greatly influence her response in bed? Hurtful words, inattentiveness and
criticism can make it difficult for a woman to be an enthusiastic, passionate lover.
Where sex is concerned,
it's a man's world
Especially
in India, thanks to a chauvinistic society it is the man who dictates the term even in
bed. The wife is the passive partner. That's why most of the cases I treat are more male
related sexual problems, like inadequate erection, early ejaculation, unconsummated
marriages selective importance, organ dysmorphism, etc.
Premarital sex is
still a no-no in today's world
A few
months age, I had conducted a survey where I'd talked to men and women grouped in the age
slot of 20 to 35 years, about their sexual likes and dislikes and how important a role did
marriage play in their lives. The younger generation is not really as blaze as they appear
to be. Where sex goes, they are still orthodox in their ideas. For instance, pre-marital
sex is fun, but guys would not like to marry girls with whom they have had pre-marital
sex. They would still like to marry virgins. Girls are wary of pre-marital sex for they
cannot derive any form of security from it. They find marital sex safer. A marriage can
provide social security, financial security but where sexual security goes, marriage does
not seem to be the sole solution. The answer lies within us. Marriage is the most
important relationship in one's life. It means showing each other, with words, with touch,
with thoughtful gestures, that you care, that you look forward to the pleasure you'll
share together whatever that pleasure maybe".
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